A week tomorrow, 11/5/17, I am seeing Mr P to find out whether he’ll list me for surgery. I’ve lost just over 18 lb (8.3kg) and I’m hoping by then it’ll be 21lb. I genuinely have no clue what he’ll say and I’m struggling with that.
If he lists me, then it’ll be a wait to see when the surgery will be and it’ll be a chance to lose more weight. If he lists me, there’ll be an end in sight to the increased pain I’m suffering from at the moment. If he lists me, I’ll know what’s going on inside. If he lists me, I can breathe a sigh of relief.
But there is a big flip side to all of that.
If he doesn’t list me, then what?… Then I keep going on this lifestyle change, I try and stay positive and I try to keep going through the pain.
There aren’t enough words to say how scared I am, it’s keeping me awake at night with worry. I’m regularly seeing 1am even if I’m up at 6.30am and it is having a profound effect on my mood which is already affected by the Prostap.
The Prostap itself is an issue at the moment. Whilst I need it for my pain to be kept at a manageable level, my hair is falling out again. I found 2 new patches in the last week, and my hairdresser did too. She was fantastic about it, I cried… in the hairdressers…in front of other people. I miss my long hair.
I’ve also had a really crappy incident at university, where a tutor ignored my mobility problems and it ended up with me in tears in the classroom as I couldn’t access the lesson. I spoke to her about it afterwards, calmly, and she was mortified. It’s the 3rd time this academic year where tutors who know about my mobility issues have ignored the university procedure.
I really have enough on my plate at the moment without them f*cking up. I need the 11th to go well, I need for it not to be another appointment that ends in disappointment. I’ve done everything I can to shift this weight; it has really not been easy. I’ve dropped my BMI by 3 points, I’m so much fitter physically and my relationship with food has changed. I’m no longer comfort eating when things are bad. This is 30+ years of behaviour that I am changing. It’s going to take time. I just know that surgery will make it all much easier.