What not to say…

Since finding out I can’t have children in July, many people have sent their condolences and their kind wishes. There have also been a whole host of people who have said things that have “meant well” but have really stung. I read this on a friend’s Facebook today and it totally made sense to me.
Below is a list of things people have said to me since July…

“I’m sorry to hear you can’t have children” <—- Written in a card!

“I was told I couldn’t have children and now I have [insert number of children here]”

“At least you won’t have to go through child birth”

“At least you won’t get stretch marks”

“At least you won’t have morning sickness”…

So, you’re getting the idea!

Every time someone says something that “means well” I think of the phrase “the pathway to hell is paved with good intentions”. I totally get that people want to say the right thing, I totally get that people want to make the whole damn thing better.

I’ve had at least 2 amazing women offer to be surrogates for me – they have both either finished having their children and are having kick ass careers or have chosen not to have children of their own. They are the most incredible women ever, I bloody well love both of them to the moon and back.

I listened to a talk about being female, before finding  out, where the speaker (a transitioning woman who is incredibly inspirational) said she didn’t feel like a proper woman because she hadn’t carried her own children. It resonated with me so much, it is something I feel so often. I often feel that because I’m 31 and in a chemical menopause and therefore not having periods, that I’m not a proper woman. Whenever I say this, people shout me down, stop me talking, tell me not to be so stupid that having children doesn’t make you a woman. It’s something that I felt when I first found out about being infertile. It’s something that I have to say I do still have moments where I feel it.I wonder if other women who have gone through the same have felt the same.

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